Guide to being a Parisian

Having lived in Paris for 5 months now, you really get a feel for the place – and its people. Of course, even if you have lived here for 5 or 15 years you can never claim to a true Parisian – excuse the cliché, but that requires a certain je ne sais quoi. Therefore, I've decided to make a list of things which it seems is obligatory for all Parisian femmes et hommes.

• When in public, don't even dare to smile – particularly on public transport, the severity of your pout determines how Parisian you are. Visual disdain when English is uttered gives you extra points.

• Huge «nerd» glasses are so chic right now – you have to wear them. Don't worry about the little fact that you have 20-20 vision, that's what clear glasses are for. In Paris it's cool to be not cool.

• Whether you're paying for a new Gucci dress on the Champs l'Elysee or a bottle of milk for 80c, it is standard that you pay with a card. Notes and coins are used by savages.

• It is a little known fact that in Paris there exists an actual fashion police. Showing up for college in hoodies and fat man pants warrants 2 years of being shunned and ostracised. Wear Penneys gear at your own peril.

• If you work in a bank or the civil service you must make sure that everything is as complicated as possible – bien sûr it's a sure-fire way of keeping your job (I found this out to my detriment when trying to set up a direct debit with my landlord for the rent – never again!)

• Don't want to go into work on Monday morning after a weekend of too much vintage wine and fine cheese ? No problem – just call a strike !

• Say 'en fait'. A lot.

• Upon hearing a person is from Ireland, ensure that you make a joke in bad English about France giving us a bailout so that us Paddys can continue to booze like there's no tomorrow. (When you try to explain that the money is actually going to French and German banks, and not to the Irish public, you will be met with a bemused silence)

• You have no problem paying €10 for a single vodka in a club, or €7 in a pub for a pint of beer.

• Guys must dress as camp as possible – all gaydars in Paris are rendered obselete.

• Trafic lights are merely advisory – follow them and you're not guaranteed to get to the other side in one piece (Seriously, sometimes both the pedestrian and car lights are green at the same time – does not compute)

• Can't understand a question from a stranger, or you just don't like the look of them? Just say you're a tourist! (This tactic has saved me from a few pickles in my time here)

• If you're a Parisian guy in a bar and you start chatting to the opposite sex for more than one minute, then you have a reasonable expectation that you'll be getting lucky tonight. On this not happening, you will be outraged.

• When ordering at a bar, you think that waving your hands frantically and/or verbally abusing the bar staff will get you served more promptly (at least in my experience working in a bar over here)

• Wear black – all the time.
  
  
• Upon realising that the person you are talking to isn't fluent in French, reply in worse English

• You continue to follow Paris St Germain in football in the vain hope that they will finally win something. (Sure what choice do you have – they are the only football team in Paris!)

• The French custom of kissing your friends twice on the cheek (bisoux) can be sometimes fatal to a budding friendship if you aim for the wrong cheek, accidentally nearly taking part in the other very French custom – the French kiss.

• When someone drags up the topic of Thierry Henry's handball, you will state loudly your disgust at the incident and the unfairness of it all. (Of course, in private you believe it's what the boring Irish connards deserved)